Be Better than Bitter

Have you ever been hurt by someone and had trouble forgiving them? Or maybe you’ve forgiven them because it’s the right thing to do, but a bit of bitterness bites you when you think of them. Have you ever felt that way?

I have.

We interact with people through home, work, and life and sometimes they bump into our happy. Sometimes they do more than that. They take advantage of us, they say false things about us, they steal our reputation. They betray us.

It may be their pattern. Perhaps you’re not the only one they mistreat and maybe they don’t even realize how they’ve mistreated you…because it’s their pattern. It’s their norm.

They’re masters of manipulating people, circumstances, and emotions to get what they want. You’re their latest victim, but they don’t see it as such. You’re just a means to their end.

Manipulated for their advantage. Your plans wrecked for the fulfillment of theirs. Your resources compromised for the building of theirs. Your emotions twisted so they can feel better about theirs.

It’s exhausting to say the least. For me it is. I lose sleep. Sadly, their pattern sometimes begins to invade mine. Their lack of sympathy has a way of deteriorating mine.

Sometimes I want revenge. I want to hurt them like they’ve hurt me. Other times I just want them to hear me. I want them to know how they’ve wrecked my peace of mind. I want to give them a piece of my mind!

Sometimes talking to them works (see Matthew 18). But sometimes it doesn’t because they can only see their point of view. They’re so skilled at manipulating that they just find another way to justify their actions and even find a way to blame their actions on you!

It is human nature to want revenge, but not Christ’s. So, when I get this way, I must seek God. If I claim to follow Him, I must consult Him.

He promises in Exodus 14:14, that he will fight for me. I need only be still.

Deliverance is tied to obedience. I’m not responsible for them, only me.

Revenge isn’t restorative. Hate isn’t helpful. Bitterness isn’t becoming. Resentment isn’t remedying.

 

Even if that’s what I feel, Truth speaks otherwise. Look at what Jesus says in Luke:

But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,

bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you…

love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.

Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High,

because He is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

(Luke 7:27-28, 33-36)

I am called to love. If I let negative emotion take root in me. Those feelings can become actions, then I become one of them. The enemy.

Hurt people will hurt people if they don’t work through the emotions and the pain with God. My calling–God’s calling–is higher.

I’m better than bitter.

What can I do? What can YOU do?

1. Pause. Give time to respond, don’t react in haste.

Sleep on it. Sometimes feelings are compounded when we’re exhausted. We’re not rational. We need a nap or a good night’s sleep.

Don’t react in a rush. Respond in rest. Time usually transforms a reaction into a response. Practice the pause.

2. Pray. Ask God to help you process it.

Maybe you’re justified in your anger, maybe you’re not. Maybe you need to address the issue again, maybe you don’t. You won’t know any of that until you pray and ask God to do His work in you.

3. Write a letter to the one who hurt you.

Use pen and paper. It may be written in such anger and hurt that it’s hardly legible, but keep writing. Pound out your thoughts and feelings toward them. Use bold words. Get it out.

4. Pause again. Don’t send that letter.

Once all of that is on paper, change focus.

List all the reasons that their behavior will make you a better–not bitter–person. What can you learn from them? How do you NOT want to act? Ask yourself, “What is MY pattern? What is MY default?”

Look inward to be sure that you haven’t hurt or manipulated someone in the same way. Many times that speck in their eye can become a plank in our own. If we fail to look inward, then we run the risk of being hypocritical. That’s not attractive either.

4. Read that letter…then read God’s Letter.

Read it. Validate your feelings. Then, lay them aside.

Open the Bible. Begin to focus on God’s words. His letter to you. Ask Him to lead you to scripture that addresses this kind of hurt. Go to Biblegateway.com and search that topic. Search that passage that’s coming to mind. Dig!

5. Pray. Ask Him to speak to you through His words.

Search His ways, His thoughts, and His actions. Ask Him to transform the way you think. Romans 12:2 says,

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your MIND.

Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good pleasing and perfect will.”

Ask Him to search your ways, thoughts, and actions, too.

“Search my heart, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there’s any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

(Psalm 139:23-24)

6. Keep reading.

Romans 12 speaks to how to love those who hurt us, how to bless our enemies. Oh my. Here’s what it says in verses 10-21:

Honor one another above yourselves…Bless those who persecute you;

bless and do not curse…live in harmony with one another…

Do not repay evil with evil…If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Do not take revenge my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath,

for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord…

If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.

In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Friends, I rarely feel that when I’m hurt, do you? Whether we do or don’t, it doesn’t change the truth of it.

God’s word is TRUTH no matter how I feel about it. 

7. Pray. Ask God to love them through you.

He calls us to be merciful, even when we don’t feel it. To do good to those who hurt us. To extend grace. To live in peace. That’s impossible on our own, but with Him it’s all possible.

I am only a channel. A vessel. HE is the source. That takes the pressure off of me when I just let him do it through me. I ask him to reconcile my feelings and make them His. He does the hard work. I must let Him. I must trust Him.

8. Let God take care of it. 

He will take care of it in His time. Remember what Romans 12:19 said?

 “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. 

You take care of you. Let Him take care of you…and them.

9. Let it go. Be done with it.

Back to that letter you wrote. Now that you’ve done Steps 4-8, you’ve probably changed your mind about that letter. Throw it away.

Remember, it was processing the reaction and not intended to be a response. Responses should happen in person anyway, not through letters, according to Matthew 18.

Remember that it is God’s pattern to extend grace. It is His pattern to forgive. It is His pattern to overcome evil with good. If I am His, then it should be my pattern also. Let it be my pattern–your pattern–to shine brightly. To poke holes in the darkness rather than adding to it.

That must be our default. If it isn’t, then a new one must be established. Return to Step 1.