Losing Myself

[5AM. wide awake. blog post draft is scrapped. I’ve thought of one that is more suitable. headed to write it. i hear a gentle voice. “would you please punch the button on the coffee maker?” i make my tea, punch the button, and grab the laptop.]

I worship my family. I’ve been so caught up in them that I’ve lost myself.

They are the objects of my affection, the focus of my time and energy. My reason for living. I do everything for them.

If someone were to ask me about my hobbies or interests, I’d have to think about it. An answer wouldn’t roll off my tongue. And even after I’ve thought about it, the list would be short. Very short.

[writing of blog post interrupted. the family is stirring. it’s time for breakfast. eggs, sausage, and toast. i offer to pack lunch. they don’t need it today. back to the blog post.]

I read. Yes, I read books about how to be a better mom or how to be a better cook or how to better organize our home. I read for my family’s benefit. The magazines subscriptions when they were younger? Family Life. Parenting, Southern Living…

[writing of blog post interrupted. the one who didn’t need a lunch 20 minutes ago needs it now. he’s in a hurry. i’m “available”. i pack the lunch.]

Now, instead of magazines, it’s the internet. I follow the experts. They don’t think they’re experts, but I deem them as such because they’re willing to share their world with me. Their blogs encourage me and give me insight. I’m rocking this mom/wife/daughter/sister/friend thing, learning everything I can, and doing it with everything I have in me, though some days it rocks me.

[post-writing interrupted. again. someone needs her lunch packed. she shares her planned day with me. i’m thankful. next year she’ll be away at college.]

From the moment we found out I was pregnant 20+ years ago, I became a student. A student of motherhood. Of parenting. Of everything “family”. I read books, I subscribed to magazines, I took classes, I read articles. I wanted to be the best mom I could be.

[writing of blog post interrupted. someone can’t find the jeans he took off last night. he needs his wallet. i stay at the laptop. he wants help finding them. i’m “available.” i help.]

Within a few months of the first one’s birth, we were able to navigate life and its financial demands without my income. I had found my dream job. A stay-at-home wife and mom.

Just as I had given everything I had to my job, I was going to give equally to my new job.

Life happened quickly. We had three kids in three years. I was up to my ears in diapers and baby food, potty training and play dates. Managing feeding and nap schedules, making sure we had plenty of library books to read, and cooking healthy meals consumed me. But I was still studying. Still learning how to be a good wife and mom.

My family soaked up every waking thought. What to fix for dinner and an ever-growing grocery list kept my attention. Volunteering at school and, later, home school consumed me. Projects and short-term job opportunities beckoned occasionally, but my family got everything I had.

I lost myself, but I didn’t realize I had lost myself until they started to be independent. They didn’t need me as much anymore. I began looking to my husband for fulfillment, My whole identity was tied-up in my kids, and they were leaving our nest. I was lost.

You better believe he was feeling the pressure, too. He gently told me to find ME again, because he couldn’t solely fill the void I was experiencing.

“I can’t be your everything. The family isn’t your everything. You have to find that within yourself. Do something for you. Find a new focus.” 

Now I have to re-create Me, because Me was lost. If I could go back and ask myself as a young mother some questions, I’d start with these. But now I have to ask myself.

Who am I when I’m alone? What drives me? What do I look forward to?

I began to explore those questions. And now it’s time to hone a new skill. Seek a new purpose. Write another chapter. Find myself again.

Here’s what I’m learning:

Stay connected to God. Crying babies, laundry, homework assignments, and juggling schedules pushed my quiet time to the back burner. I had to re-discover Jesus. Find His purpose for me. Live life intentionally.

Volunteer. I need to focus on people outside my family. How about you?

Find a ministry or organization that supports something you’re passionate about. Is it the Rescue Mission or a ministry at church? Do you love animals? Are you interested in forming public policy on the local level? Can you tutor or help tend a community garden? Maybe there’s a fundraiser that could use a helping hand. Find a way to give back. Your heart will soar!

Exercise and Eat Right.  Years of eating the scraps from the leftover PB&J and french fries on the way to the grocery store left my body feeling sluggish and neglected. I was feeling it, and I had to change that. Here are some ideas:

Find some friends and start a walking club. That diet program you’ve been eyeing? Start a Facebook group and share recipes, tips, successes and struggles.

Read. I had graduated from the stack of books I read to them at naptime, but I still read those parenting books. Oh, and those textbooks to help them with their homework. I’m learning this:

Read for you! Compile a reading list. Ask your friends who their favorite authors are. Make a plan to read one book a month. Start a book club.

Develop a hobby. I loved football, but I decided to actually go to the games! I loved writing, but I actually started a blog. What hobbies can you develop?

Find a new interest. Learn to play an instrument. Start a blog.  Invest in the tools and equipment it takes to make it happen. Visit museums, attend concerts, find a sports team to follow. Take lessons.

Consider an at-home career. Most stay-at-home moms don’t have a retirement plan, neither do I. College tuition payments now loom. Not only that, I want to pursue a career! Here’s what I’m learning as I explore the possibilities:

Sometimes we need new scenery or maybe just a new focus. We have probably figured out what makes us tick. See if there are any careers or jobs relating to that thing. Is there a non-profit that could use your expertise? Could you start an online business using the skills you’ve developed? Think outside of the box.

Travel. We’d all love to start marking things off our Bucket List, but that can be expensive. What about all of those places close to home that you’ve never visited? The ones your out-of-town guests ask about, but  you haven’t been there, so you can’t recommend? Yes, those. Stop by your town’s visitor center and find those little tucked-away places that haven’t been on your radar. Get out there!

Write your story. If you’ve lost a parent or someone close to you, you know how you live to hear stories about them. Those tidbits of information that people share whenever their name comes up. Imagine if the ones you loved had written their story. Wouldn’t that be a treasure?!

Begin compiling yours. Write a memoir of the lessons you’ve learned, the places you’ve visited, and the memories you’ve accumulated. Share your wisdom. Share your faith. Share your fears. Share your success and failures. It doesn’t have to be eloquent. Just do it!

Yes, I may have lost me, but I’m finding her again. She was never really lost. She was just busy helping someone else find their path. Now it’s time to find mine.

Go find yours!

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. 

Isaiah 43:19