I finally let myself do the math. I counted up thirty weeks on the calendar from January 10th and my finger landed on August 7th. That would’ve been her due date, but I chose to have an abortion instead.
Twenty-five years ago my boyfriend (now my husband) and I found out I was pregnant. An occasion that should’ve been joyous fell on my heart like lead.
I was 19.
I was in college.
I was not married.
I was the girl that had reached her high school goal of delivering a commencement address at graduation. The girl who had walked across the stage and received one honor and scholarship after another. The girl who was the student representative on the Youth Council at church. The girl whose parents were leaders in the church. The girl who had spent weeks developing her high school government debate argument against abortion had one within days of finding out she was pregnant.
Pride. Pride in all that I had accomplished in high school. Pride in all the hopes that my family, friends, and community had for me. Pride in being the good girl.
Fear. Fear that someone might find out that I was “living in sin”—after all, I “knew better”. Fear that my family would be disappointed in me. Fear that the church community would hurl insults at me and my family behind our backs.
Heartbreak. My sister had just had two miscarriages and was heartbroken. How could her little sister be pregnant by accident? How would I face her?
All of those things put the gas in his car that drove us out of state so no one we knew would see us entering the clinic.
After enduring that excruciating morning, we both held each other in the parking lot and swore we’d never speak of that day again. And we didn’t. Not once.
I became a master of repression. I could force the anxious, guilty, shameful thoughts down by preventing them from ever becoming conscious. Not only could I push them from my mind, I formed a hard layer of stone around my heart. I refused to think and I refused to feel.
Feeling meant I had to deal with my choices and I refused to do that. Because I refused to feel, my conscience went dark. I began making choices that pushed me further into a pit. Destructive friendships and more compromises crept into my life. I hated myself, and my self-destructive behavior confirmed that.
I had known God my whole life. I knew he was there. I had asked him to forgive me for this a hundred times. I couldn’t bring myself to actually say what I wanted him to forgive me for, I just asked him to forgive me.
I knew that Jesus had paid the price for my sin, even abortion, but I wouldn’t allow myself to be forgiven. If I did, then—in my mind—it was like saying what I did was okay, and it wasn’t.
And if I accepted God’s forgiveness, then I would be forced to forgive myself. I didn’t believe I deserved forgiveness. I didn’t deserve love. I deserved hatred and self-loathing.
Life went on. We graduated from college. We secured good jobs. We got married. We had kids.
It wasn’t until almost ten years after choosing abortion and I looked into the eyes of our three children that I started feeling again.
I felt love, but I also felt guilt. I felt shame.
When I held them, I realized all that I had sacrificed. All in the name of pride and fear. The fear I felt ten years before compounded. It turned into anxiety and panic.
I didn’t deserve three healthy children; my mind convinced me that God was going to punish me by taking them away from me. I imagined every sickness and every disease and believed that they had it. I rushed them to the doctor for everything, no matter how small.
I became sick. The guilt and shame burdened my body. It laid on my mind like a mountain of bricks. Sleep wouldn’t come. My body ached. My heart was tormented. How could I sing “Jesus Loves Me” to my children when I didn’t believe that he loved ME?
I prayed for peace. I prayed for healing. But it seemed so far away.
I read a magazine article that moved me. It spoke about sharing our weaknesses. Sharing our sin. I knew that no amount of hiding it had brought me peace, so I decided to share it.
The next day I spoke with my husband about the abortion. We each opened up about how it had haunted us for 10 years.
How we regretted it with every fiber of our being.
How we wished a thousand times that we had given her life.
How we knew she was in heaven with Jesus.
And that Jesus still loved us.
And that Jesus had covered abortion on the cross just like every other sin. Even the sin that compounded with each destructive decision that came after our abortion.
Yes, Jesus had forgiven me, but now it was time to forgive myself.
I went straight to my parents. I can still—15 years later—remember where each of us sat as I poured out my heart. As we each poured out our tears.
Each of them poured out their forgiveness and love, because they are much like Jesus and they love me unconditionally.
And like a bucket full of rain, I felt the guilt and shame pour out of the deepest parts of my soul. Right there in their living room.
Right there at the feet of Jesus.
I had laid it down and picked it up for 10 years, but at that moment of confession, I laid it down for good.
Over the next few weeks, I dealt with the other destructive behaviors that had followed my abortion. No longer would they haunt me as well.
A trusted friend became my counselor and helped me dust myself off and believe that I was free. Free from the guilt. Free from the shame.
She covered me in prayer and she covered me in love. She answered the phone every time I called. She dropped what she was doing every time I needed to talk. She was present.
Sharing my story never came easy, but I eventually was able to become a counselor at our local crisis pregnancy center.
God gave me sweet redemption each time I shared my story with another girl facing an unplanned pregnancy. Tears of joy replaced tears of shame as each one embraced the baby within them and chose to give them life.
He had turned my trash into treasure.
My shame into sharing.
My guilt into guidance for others.
Sweet redemption.
I had no biological confirmation, but my heart had confirmed that our baby was a girl, and I had named her Ruth Ann.
Though I never saw her on that horrible day, January 10, 1991, I imagine that had I delivered her full-term she would’ve looked a lot like my other three children—blonde hair and blue eyes.
I knew her name. I imagined her face. I had healing.
But I needed more.
So, I finally let myself do the math.
August 7. The day she would’ve been born.
August 7, 2016. The day she would’ve turned 25.
That day didn’t bring tears. It brought me joy.
Because finally I was able to remember her life and not her death.
For 10 weeks she lived inside of me. And for 25 years she has lived in heaven.
My sweet Jesus, the lover of my soul, has held her hand. And though I’ve missed the opportunity to sing “Jesus Loves Me” to her. She has heard it from his sweet lips. Each grace-filled word.
Some people might say that I made the best decision for me at the time. NO! Aborting my baby was never the right decision. In no way did I ever feel relief or peace.
I have wished a thousand times over that I could undo that decision, but there are no do-overs in life.
I have wished a thousand times that I could’ve been as brave sharing that I was pregnant as I am now sharing that I had an abortion. Oh, if I could have just been brave enough.
Then I wouldn’t have feared what others would think of me.
Then I wouldn’t have been haunted with my choice, the guilt, or the shame. I wouldn’t have this deep hole I created in my heart with the decision I made .
No. It was never a “the best decision.”
But, I have finally let God have it. Jesus died for it. God redeemed it.
He will use it for good. Her life will matter.
So, as you read this, I don’t want you to exit this post and say, “Good for her. She got that off her chest. I’m glad she feels better.”
I want you to be changed.
Once we see and know the face of someone who has walked that path, then we can have compassion.
Maybe it’s the heroin addict.
Maybe it’s the prostitute.
Maybe it’s the drunk driver who killed someone.
Maybe it’s the post-abortive woman.
I want you to know that many girls/women have made this choice. Millions of women.
You know someone who has had an abortion. You just don’t know that you know her.
Many have been heartbroken over their decision. Many would give anything for a do-over. Many have beaten themselves up, believed that they deserved nothing good in their lives. Believed that they were beyond being redeemed.
Have compassion on her. Be a safe place for her to shed her shame.
Lift her out of the pit of condemnation, even though she threw herself in.
Breathe life into her, even though she extinguished it from her baby.
Be Jesus.
Offer her forgiveness. Offer her acceptance. Offer her love.
Doing so doesn’t mean you approve of her choice, it means you approve of her soul–the one Jesus died for.
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I know the hurt, guilt, and shame you have carried but have also witnessed the sweet redemption you have gleaned from our forgiving Father. I know this was not easy to share but what peace it will bring to others. ?
Oh Miss Julie:). You are finally are doing it! When admitting the shame and the guilt it is a sense of relief. So proud of you!!!! Beyond proud! By the Grace of God you are Forgiven and Redeemed, Ephesians 1:7.
Julie, Thank you so much for sharing. I hope that your blog reaches many. Those who might be sitting on the fence and those who are trying to do life keeping something dark inside them. May your blog bring that darkness into His light. May God bless you and Clyde.
Oh Julie!! This is absolutely well written and will touch so many in more ways than you will ever know.. To include myself
Thank you!
So brave, Thank you for your loving heart for Jesus, your willingness to share the love, grace, mercy and forgiveness of Jesus. Praise his name.
Thank you Julie for sharing, I too have felt all those feelings. My struggle over the years has been forgiving myself as well. I begged God for forgiveness for years until I realized that He had already forgiven me, I needed to forgive myself.
Beautifully expressed, Julie. I’m glad you’ve come to this place where you can finally forgive yourself. And look at the good you’re doing with this! I know that Ruth Ann was a terrible loss, and I do not mean to sound uncaring, unfeeling, but sometimes bad things are not bad things. Again, look at the good you’re doing with this. <3
You are awesome. Thank you for this message that will touch so many.
Julie I am truly moved by your words. I felt the love of God in my heart as I read it. I am going to share this with my daughter. Not because she has experienced this but because I want her to know that if she does make a bad decision in college or in her journey that her life is not over and that God’s grace will see her through. Love you girl. Thanks for blessing me today.
Absolutely beautiful!! And now I truly understand the forgiveness and love I’ve seen from you over the years too. Thank you for sharing this! I am certain it will help someone else along the way. Much love to you!
As I was reading your blog I could hear God telling me-“He gives beauty for ashes”! After I read all of your blog I went and looked up the lyrics to this Crystal Lewis song and I would like to quote one of the stanzas since she is better with words than me. “When what you have done keeps you from moving on, When fear wants to make itself home in your heart, Know that forgiveness brings wholeness and healing, God knows your need just believe what He said, He gives beauty for ashes, strength for fear, Gladness for mourning, Peace for despair”. You have know idea how you will touch so many with your story. Way beyond even with your story of abortion, but with many others who are hiding different stories of shame and regret. God has such a great plan!!! Thank you Julie for being a servant to God and listening to his voice. God loves you & so do I!!!! 🙂
Julie, I felt truly touched. Many people hold some things inside for their lifetime. I praise and thank you for sharing your most petsonal feelings.
I’m so thankful that my story touched you. Indeed, many people carry this kind of thing to their grave and can never process the feelings that go along with this decision, because they feel isolated and alone in their decision. I want to shed light on the darkness. Thank you for being an encouragement to me!
You have done a beautiful job sharing your story and God’s redeeming love for His children. Thank you for your vulnerability. I have no doubt that your heartbreak WILL bring healing to others! I love you!
My prayer is that my own brokenness will encourage others who have walked the same path. Sometimes we just need to hear “me, too.” Thank you for your love and standing behind me. Much love.
Julie,
This is such an awesome eye-opener. God has not only given you forgiveness, he has given you the ability to express this so perfectly. God Bless.
Thank you, Sandye. God has been faithful.
Brave and strong! God bless you! You are helping others!
Thank you. Both ‘brave and strong’ come from the Lord. My prayer is that millions of women and men will step out of the darkness of their past sin and be washed in the light of forgiveness. Thanks for your kind words!
Oh, Julie. My heart aches for you and at the same time I am pleased and proud of you for being able to move forward when so many people cannot. If only there were a way for our present selves to send a message to our teen-aged or young adult selves and let them know that we’ll be ok, things will work out – or they won’t – but we’ll still be ok.
YES! If we could write a letter to our teen-aged selves…
That just might inspire another blog post!
Thank you for your love and encouragement.
Precious insight! You have an amazing testimony! I understand your love to help others even more. God has blessed and forgiven just as He promised! ??
Graced people grace people. Forgiven people forgive people. Healed people heal people. I love how that all works out God’s plan.
Your story is a book for many of us. Thank you for opening dark pages that many of us have not wanted to reopen for obvious reasons. You are so totally honest with your heart and soul which will only help others realize…..we’ve all made choices…..mistakes…..that we wish we could change. The key is forgiving ourselves and others. I am thankful you are my sister. Love you to the moon and back.
Jeannette
PS. Never put your pen down! ❤
Forgiveness is a powerful thing, both in ourselves and others. Thank you for believing in my message and for encouraging me along the way.
Julie, you are so very brave to share this way. I know God will use this to bless many souls and continue to heal yours in the process.
God developed that bravery in me. It was a long time coming, but it is all in His timing. Thank you for your encouraging words.
WOW!!! Very Powerful, Moving, Emotional, Yes, Christ Forgives!!! Praise His Holy Name!!! very well written. It will surely give someone pause…..
I want everyone to experience the freedom of forgiveness! Thank you for your encouragement.
I’m so glad that you accepted God’s forgiveness and that you are helping other young women by telling your story. Jesus said “Let the person among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” John 8:7. I for one agree with this verse. Sending love and hugs.
Forgiven and set free!
Love to you, Julie. I have at least one friend who made this same choice many years ago. I am going to share your post. I will be seeing her at my 50th HS reunion in a few weeks. She has shared her regrets with me, and I love her, too. You are blessed in sooo many ways. He understands your pain and ,as you have discovered, loves you dearly.
Yes! Please share this with your friend. This experience is very common. Millions of women are hurting. Thank you for passing it along. That brings me joy!
I have been a friend of Faye and Jennifer for a long time. You story is amazing. You are a strong lady to share your story .
I grew tired of being silent. If I would’ve had one person share their story of redemption with me all those years ago, I could’ve been freed sooner. I pray sharing my story sets many women free as they seek the Lord, his forgiveness, and his sweet redemption. Thank you for your kind words.
God is gracious and merciful – he forgives us of our sin when we repent. He loves us through it all and gives us a new beginning. I am thankful that you are using your story to glorify God and to share with others that He is the way, the truth and the life. Praying that He blesses you and your precious family in every way!
He has been so faithful. Jesus bought my freedom, I just had to accept it. May He forever be praised for giving me a fresh start. Thank you for your encouraging words!
Oh Julie! I didn’t know anything about this. The way that you have written and described things so eloquently have truly moved me! I am proud of you for being brave in sharing your story. Know that others can relate to your message. I hope you continue to write things that inspire us all. Love you!
It hasn’t been something I shared openly in the past. But I know that so many women struggle with their decision many years later. It was time to come out of the darkness and shed light into theirs. Thank you for encouraging me.
So proud of you my dear friend… I can’t wait to see how God will continue to use you and Clyde in your journey of life… Love conquers all ❤️
He has been faithful! We are forever grateful.
Thank you for sharing your testimony.
It hasn’t been easy, but it gets easier with each person that encourages me. God is the perfect Healer and Redeemer. Only He makes it possible.
In your next blog I hope your head will be held high in the presence of God’s grace as I know it already is. We all have some things that haunt us big and small, your openness will help many who struggle, our own pusnishment of ourselves is overwhelming. Congratulations on taking the first step in doing something for yourself and your family. Standing with you in Christ with much love.
God has lifted my head, and I am so thankful. I will always regret my decision, but God is redeeming it. Praise Him!
God bless you and your husband! Tears flowed freely reading this testimony, so many people will find comfort in your words. God is so faithful to give us grace and forgiveness, but it is hard for us to forgive ourselves. I pray for continued healing for you and your family.
Thank you, Joyce. Each encouraging word brings a new level of healing.
Julie, thank you for sharing your heart like this! I pray your blog will reach and touch thousands of women and many more! If only we, as Christian women, could be this open, real, and honest, what a difference we could make for His kingdom!
Being honest isn’t easy, but it’s sure easier than carrying it all inside and wearing a mask, that’s for sure. Thank you for encouraging me!
As I read your story, I am reminded “everyone has a story.” Whether it is good, bad or ugly, we all have a story. My story is similar to yours in that it involves children. I, just like you, was an overachiever and feared being criticized and always worried about letting my family down. I wanted to be a role model for my two younger sisters. At 17, I earned my Cosmetologist State License and one month later my high school diploma. I went on to complete my Masters Degree, obtained a good job, had my own place, 2 cars and thought I had it all. I graduated debt free as a result of scholarships and working multiple jobs while in college. I was in a long term (first) relationship that ended in 1993. I worked, never really dated anyone seriously and went 2 years by choice and did not date anyone. I was focused on my career, school and multiple jobs and paying for school. In 2002, I met a man who stole my heart from the minute I met him. I denied he had stolen my heart to myself. He was from Vermont, served 12 years in the military and graduated from Norwich University Military College. He had never been married, did not have any children, had his own house and had recently moved to Roanoke with his job. We dated for 2 years and married in 2004. Setting the scene, I am now 35 years old, never been married, never pregnant and never really wanted children until I met my husband. We had our future planned out. We wanted one or maybe 2 children. A boy & girl would have been great! After unsuccessfully trying to have children, I chose to go to UVA fertility treatment center. Turns out, the issue was not with my husband, but rather was with me. We tried for months to get pregnant and we were continually let down. Daily shots and meds made me gain a lot of weight, have mood swings, feel undeserving of a child and have negative thoughts about those having children that couldn’t afford to take care of them and so on. I experienced every emotion possible and didn’t realize at the time that God had a plan for me. I didn’t stand still and listen to what he was trying to tell me. In late 2007, I visited my grandfather at his home in Lynchburg and told him I had a plan to open a business for the mentally ill. He died in 2009, but I will never forget what he said to me. He said, “you are gonna do good shuga.” My grandfather had mental illness, was illiterate and never new his father. With everything against him, he became a smart and successful business man. He was a family man with the biggest heart I have ever seen and felt! He love his community and he loved and served God. I trusted and valued his judgment. I started the licensing process for the business and sent it to Richmond in February 2008. I was licensed in December 2008. I opened United Support Services. My previous work experience had been with children and adults, with my primary interest in adults. As it turned out, my business began to grow with children in need of services. I asked myself and God, how could this be? I really wanted to focus on mentally ill adults. After all, that is where I thought my expertise was. As the business continued to grow the vast majority were children in need of services. I stood still and asked God to put me where I was needed the most. He did. He didn’t give me 1 or 2 children, he gave so many children I couldn’t count them all. This is why I couldn’t have children. God had a different plan. I look back a realized had God given me children of my own I would have never been able to help the children that I do now. It would literally be impossible. Some have higher needs than others and this business is 24/7. Mental illness doesn’t just happen between the hours of 9-5. I finally got it. God had a plan for me. He knew that I would not be able to take care of a family and work/help others like I do now. It is my passion. I cannot imagine myself doing anything else. People often ask how I got in to this business and I tell them, I didn’t choose this profession, it chose me. I let God guide me. I can honestly say I have no regrets about not having my own children. It wasn’t God’s will. God put me where he wanted me. Here we are nearing the end of 2016 and I am doing what I love the most…helping children, adolescents and adults (primary children & adolescents). My once broken and empty heart is now so full of love, sharing, caring and giving. I have been truly blessed. Thank you for sharing your story. It touched me in so many ways. God has put you where he wants you Julie….”Shedding the Shame and Growing in Grace.”
Wow, Tami, thank you for sharing your story! What a powerful testimony to the sovereignty of God and his plans for us. They are good. Always good. Even when they don’t feel good. May He bless you as you continue to minister to those He has placed in your path. What a gift you have been given. Thank you for shining light for Him and for your encouragement. It means the world to me!